if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize