But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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