The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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