you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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