i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
