Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
