In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
