i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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