My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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