We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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