Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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