Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
