I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
