Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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