It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
