Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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