booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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