Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
