she told me i tasted like america
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Can I color on your dick again?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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