I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
