I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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