you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
