I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
