Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
high people should be assigned attendants
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We're too hungover to prance.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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