i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
