i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
