Who wears a wallet chain?!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
