yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
