Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
is that a dick in a sweater?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
