I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
