Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
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