Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
