I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
