you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
