I am puke
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
