After last night, I could never be a politician.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize