You're completely useless in the revolution.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
