Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
