Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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