My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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