yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
40s are totally the cure
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
