Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
