Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
