i permit you to call me
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize