Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Is Oprah even human
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
