bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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