my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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