U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
