I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
