saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
