oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
This baby is an asshole
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
