I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
