Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Randomize
