My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
