even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
