I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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