textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize