I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
