If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
