I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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