goodnight i made you a song goodbye
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
