I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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