really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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