Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize