Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
