eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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